


Deep Purple (Retrograde Motion)

by mylittlecthulhu (marineko)



Series: Red Shift [8]
Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-10 16:36:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15295647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marineko/pseuds/mylittlecthulhu
Summary: Retrograde Motion: The phenomenon where a celestial body appears to slow down, stop, then move in the opposite direction. // Set sometime after "Eclipse" and "Binary Star" - in which life goes on for Aiba.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Retrograde Motion: The phenomenon where a celestial body appears to slow down, stop, then move in the opposite direction.

“I love you.”

Aiba stared ahead of him as the words hit him, but he wasn’t seeing Jun. He wasn’t seeing the look in Jun’s eyes or the way Jun was fidgeting, waiting for him to repeat the words. He was seeing himself, saying the same words for the first time, so many years ago.

})i({ 

_Aiba’s finger traced the outline of Sho’s body gently, so as to wake him. He smiled, watching Sho’s face illuminated by the dim bedside lamp. When Sho stirred, and pulled him closer, Aiba wished that they could stay that way forever. Unable to contain his feelings, Aiba found himself murmuring, “I love you.” His held his breath as Sho’s eyes fluttered open to look at him in surprise._

_A slow smile came across Sho’s face, and in that smile Aiba thought he had already heard the reply he was hoping for, even if his heard cracked a little as the moment passed and he began to realise that Sho wasn’t going to say it back._

})i({ 

It had been around the end of the second year of high school, Aiba remembered. When he thought about it now, it was probably around then that things started to go south. He had pretended not to care, and in a way he wasn’t really pretending, because he knew that Sho cared about him. But while Sho wasn’t demonstrative in public, he was always affectionate in their private moments, and the fact that Sho wouldn’t say that he loved Aiba, even when no one else was around, bothered him. Soon Sho’s behaviour in public began to plague him as well, and every little thing that Sho did seemed to point out to him that Sho didn’t feel the same way about him.

“Aiba? Did you hear me?”

Jerked out of his thoughts, Aiba smiled automatically at Jun, who wasn’t reassured at all. He knew that smile well; it meant that Aiba’s mind was somewhere else. He wondered if he should repeat his words, when Aiba spoke gently.

“I heard you.”

He didn’t say anything else. He wondered if this was how Sho felt that day. Did he make Sho feel this uncomfortable? Did Sho struggle with the desire not to hurt his feelings, and not wanting to lie at the same time? The wound from that day was slight, and was nothing compared to everything that happened after, but it still hurt. This time Aiba felt it more than before, because at least back then he had thought that Sho just couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. Now, he wondered if Sho hadn’t really loved him at all.

“Aiba, say something.” Jun had stepped closer, and Aiba’s mind turned back to the present.

What should he say? Aiba thought. He liked Jun a lot, but he didn’t know if he loved Jun, not yet. Not the way he had loved Sho. He didn’t think he would ever love anyone the way he loved Sho. But he did care a lot about Jun, so could that be a kind of love, too? Maybe, in time...

“I...” he was stopped by Jun, who suddenly put his fingers over Aiba’s lips. Wasn’t it Jun who wanted him to say something?

“Come to think of it, don’t say anything,” Jun suddenly said. “Your silence told me enough already. You don’t love me.”

“Yet,” Aiba managed to say, pulling Jun’s fingers away, and holding on to them.

“What?”

“I’m still not quite ready to be in love again, I guess,” Aiba said. He knew what it was like to be left hanging, and never knowing what the other person thought, so he decided to go with the truth, or at least as much of it as he was able to tell Jun. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. But what I do know is that I like being with you, and you make me happy, and that I care about you, a lot. Can’t that be enough, for now?”

Jun looked at Aiba, and realised that Aiba would probably never reciprocate his feelings. Aiba may say that he wasn’t ready, but Jun knew that there was something holding him back, even from the first time they met. And unfortunately, it’s not Nino, he thought ruefully. He wished that whoever or whatever that Aiba was reserving his feelings for deserved it, and he wished that it was something or someone that he could see, so that he had a fighting chance. He probably should end their relationship, but Aiba was giving him a pleading look, and he felt hope rising in him despite himself.

“Of course it’s enough,” he told Aiba. “Didn’t I tell you that we can take it slow, when we started dating? Take as long as you want; I’ll still be here no matter what.”

The smile beaming from Aiba was worth all the pain saying those words had caused him.

})i({ 

Later in the night, Aiba was dreaming. In his dream it was Sho that had spoken to him of love, and not Jun. In his dream, he was able to reply. He turned restlessly in his sleep, and mumbled words in small sighs.

Thinking that Aiba was awake, Nino knocked on the door. When he heard Aiba's voice, he opened the door, and saw that Aiba was sleeping. Just when he was about to close it again, Aiba breathed out, “Sho-chan...”

His hand gripped on the doorknob tightly as he stared at his best friend’s sleeping figure. He had thought that Aiba was getting better, now that he was dating Jun, but he was wrong. Telling himself to calm down, Nino let go of the doorknob, and stepped towards Aiba to wake him up. No point in letting Aiba get upset in a dream. But upon a closer look, Nino saw that Aiba was smiling contentedly - a look that Nino had only seen in the rare moments when things were very good between Aiba and Sho. _A good dream, huh..._

Deciding to leave Aiba alone after all, Nino left the room, and closed the door silently behind him.


	2. Chapter 1

Even though Jun had said that he was okay with Aiba not being able to return his feelings, both of them knew that things were becoming awkward between the two of them. They were fine when they went out with friends, or during band-related meets like practise or lives. However, Aiba found the moments when there were only the two of them unbearable. He didn’t know what to say to Jun. Perhaps Jun felt the same way, he thought, as Jun was quiet most of the time as well. So Aiba had come to dread Tuesday evenings, when Nino would be out at his part-time job, and Jun and Aiba would be alone at the apartment the three of them shared.

Jun was reading a novel in the living room, and Aiba was playing one of Nino’s games, but wasn’t really into it. In the end he quit the game without saving, and went to his room. He couldn’t stand the silence anymore, but he didn’t know what to do about it.

Closing the door behind him, Aiba went to turn on the radio. _If only I could talk to Nino about this_ , he thought. But Nino liked Jun, and he knew that Nino wanted things between Aiba and Jun to work out. He couldn’t blame his friend, as he knew that he hadn’t been the best of company since Sho left. And that was the other thing - he knew that if things go badly between him and Jun it wouldn’t just affect them as a couple, but also the band, and he didn’t want to give Nino another thing to worry about. 

When the radio started to play one of Sho’s songs, Aiba just curled up in the bed and closed his eyes. It bothered him to hear Sho on the radio at first, but after a year he had gotten used to it. Hearing Sho’s voice soothed him nowadays, when he felt anxious and agitated, but he would never tell Nino that. 

He fell asleep before the song ended.

})i({ 

When Aiba woke up, he heard animated voices talking outside, and went out to see what was going on. Nino had already returned from work, and had roped Jun into cooking dinner. He was chatting at the kitchen counter while Jun sliced tomatoes. Nino looked up at Aiba as Aiba walked into the kitchen. “Hey,” he greeted. “Were you sleeping?”

Aiba nodded, and yawned. “Didn’t really mean to fall asleep,” he said.

“Jun just showed me the lyrics he wrote for my new song, and it’s perfect,” Nino told Aiba enthusiastically. 

Aiba frowned. “You didn’t say that you’ve finished them,” he said to Jun. Jun usually only showed his lyrics to Aiba first, and would then show them to Nino if Aiba liked them.

Jun shrugged. “I didn’t want to bother you,” he said. “I wrote them in a rush, really.”

“Nonsense. I like them; they’re almost as poetic as the ones Suzuki used to write.”

Jun pretended to be offended at Nino’s use of the word ‘almost’, which caused Nino to mock Jun’s writing ability in an exaggerated manner. Feeling too sober to join in their fun, Aiba poured himself a glass of water and exited the kitchen. He wondered again why things were only normal between him and Jun if Nino were around. 

An unwanted thought came to his mind, and he immediately brushed it away, refusing to acknowledge it.

_I wish Sho-chan were here._

})i({ 

Jun hesitated, as he saw Aiba walk out of the kitchen. He wanted to go after Aiba, because of the almost melancholy look he had seen on his boyfriend’s face. _But what would I say, if I went to him?_ He couldn’t think of the right words, the magic words that would make Aiba happy again. So he turned and joked around with Nino instead, while thinking that he shouldn’t have confessed to Aiba, if it was going to make Aiba this unhappy.

“I wonder if I made the right decision, dating Aiba,” he said suddenly, causing Nino’s smile to disappear instantly. Nino’s eyes narrowed in his direction.

“If you hurt Aiba...”

Jun shook his head. “I care about him,” he said. “But I don’t know if he’s happy with me.”

“What are you talking about? Of course he’s happy.” But Nino wasn’t really sure. He knew that Aiba still thought about Sho a lot, and that it was something that was never going to change. But with Jun around, Aiba seemed to be getting a little better, at least. Perhaps it was selfish of him, because he knew that Aiba would probably never love Jun quite in the way he did Sho, but Sho had left them, and Nino just wanted Aiba to have what small happiness he could find. Even if it hurt Jun, Nino hoped that the other man would stick with Aiba.

Instead of replying, Jun changed the subject, and shooed Nino away, telling his roommate that he couldn’t concentrate on his cooking with Nino there distracting him.

})i({

Nino knocked lightly on Aiba’s door, and walked in before Aiba answered. Aiba was on his laptop, reading an online review of their last live. “We’ve been getting good comments for the most part,” Aiba said, not looking up. “Of course there’s the token commenter who goes ‘get a real drummer already’, but overall I think we did well.”

“Great,” Nino said, sitting down on Aiba’s bed. “Are you unhappy, with Jun?” he asked straightforwardly, causing Aiba to let go of the computer and spin the chair around to face Nino.

“Why did you ask that?”

“Because Jun told me you were.” Nino kept a close watch on Aiba, wanting to catch Aiba’s reaction. Aiba just looked dismayed and guilty.

“I think it’s the other way around,” Aiba said carefully. “I don’t think I’m making Jun very happy right now.”

Nino gave a loud, dissatisfied sigh. “The two of you are giving me a headache,” he said. It seemed to him that both Aiba and Jun were too worried about hurting the other’s feelings too much to consider their own. “Just think about one thing - do you like Jun?”

“Of course I like Jun,” Aiba replied. “He’s my boyfriend, isn’t he?”

“I mean, do you like him enough that there is no one else you’d rather be with right now? Do you like him enough that you could never be just friends with him, that you’d always be wanting more? Does he make you happy enough that you could forget about... everything else?” 

“Nino, I -”

“You don’t have to give me an answer. It’s Jun that you need to talk to about this. Anyway, just think about it.” Nino left, deciding that after a day of work, the last thing he wanted to deal with was Jun and Aiba’s drama. He had wanted Jun and Aiba to stay together, because he thought it would help Aiba, but if his best friend was only dating Jun in a vain attempt to forget Sho, then Nino thought that it was probably best if Aiba faced his own feelings and make a clear decision for himself.

})i({ 

Aiba was thinking about Nino’s words as he got ready for bed, but he didn’t like the answers he was coming up with. Jun was probably one of the best things to have happened to him in the last two years. They have been dating for about half a year, and Jun moved in with him and Nino recently, as he was looking for new place at the time. Aiba had to admit that he was certainly happier since he started dating Jun, but he also knew that he could never give Jun his heart.

_Is it really selfish to want him to stay because he’s been great to me, when I know that I’ll never be able to give him what he wants?_

He put on his earphones and put a CD into his walkman, as he usually did when going to sleep. Placing the walkman gently on his end table, Aiba lay down and closed his eyes as the first song began, the low timbre of Sho’s voice filling him with warmth. He could feel the cold anxiousness that Nino’s questions brought him slowly disappear. 

When Jun walked in, Aiba was already asleep. Jun went over to him, and pressed the stop button on the walkman, and took off the earphones, so that the player won’t come crashing to the floor if Aiba moved around in his sleep. But as soon as Jun placed the walkman away, Aiba murmured, “Jun?”

“I’m here,” Jun replied. “Go back to sleep.”

“I can’t give you what you want.”

Jun let out a jagged breath, feeling as if someone had just punched him beneath the ribs, where a slow burning ache had grown. He had to breathe in deeply a few times before he could reply, not wanting to upset Aiba too much, even though he doubted that Aiba would remember the conversation in the morning. “I know,” he said softly. “Shh, don’t worry about it right now. Go back to sleep.”

“Jun’s really a kind guy,” Aiba murmured back, as he fell asleep.

Jun spent the whole night staring at the ceiling, listening to Aiba’s rhythmic breathing next to him, replaying the words in his mind. He had never hated being called kind more in his entire life.


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the inevitable happens. Also, introducing Ohno Satoshi!

_ A Week Later _

“I think we should break up.”

Aiba’s teacup dropped to the saucer with a clang. He looked down, startled by the noise it made, and barely registered the mild relief that not much of the tea was spilled. “I didn’t hear you,” he said softly, still staring at his cup.

“Yes, you did.” Jun hated this. He hated that he had to be the one who said it, but he knew that he and Aiba should have broken up a long time ago. Ever since Jun had confessed his feelings to Aiba, things just weren’t the same between them. He had stayed, and waited, either for Aiba to change his mind or for Aiba to be the first to want to get out of the relationship. But Aiba would never change his mind, Jun knew, just as he knew that Aiba would never want to hurt Jun. So it was up to Jun to do this, before they reached a point where their relationship could no longer be salvaged, and they wouldn’t even be able to be friends. “I said that -”

Aiba shook his head sharply, stopping Jun. “I know what you said.” He didn’t look up as he spoke. He felt strangely calm. There was none of the nerves and the fear and the coat of numbness that followed his first break up. Instead, there was just a sort of stillness within him, and another feeling that he couldn’t quite name. “Why, Jun? I thought...” he didn’t finish his sentence. _I thought you loved me._

“Things haven’t been right between us for sometime now. You can’t deny that. I think it’s better for us to separate now, when we can still be friends.”

It was then that Aiba realised what the other feeling inside him was - relief. The feeling grew stronger and overwhelmed him as he considered Jun’s words. Jun was right. If things were allowed to continue was they were, it would surely end badly. He didn’t want for things between them to be bitter. “I don’t want you to leave,” he said.

“I’ll still be here,” Jun assured him. “As a friend. And - no matter what happens, I’ll still feel the same about you, and I’ll still be there for you if you decide that you need me.” His cheeks reddened a bit as he said those words, but he felt that they needed to be said. “I’m not saying that I’ll pine for you or anything like that,” he continued, his lips twisting into a smile, “but I’ll be there. I just don’t want you to feel obliged to be with me.”

“I’m not -”

“Be honest with yourself,” Jun interrupted in exasperation. “You’ve been uncomfortable in this relationship ever since my confession. I’m giving you an out, here,” he said, his voice softening, and sounding a little pained. “Take it, and don’t say anything else. _Please._ ”

Aiba didn’t say anything else after that. His hands found Jun’s across the table, and squeezed them tightly. He thought, _I’m sorry._ He thought, _I wish things could have turned out differently._

He thought, _thank you._

})i({

Jun started looking for an apartment immediately, to no avail. He started sleeping on the living room sofa at nights, when he wasn’t staying over at friends’ houses. Nino was concerned when he found out about the break-up, but his worries melted away when he realised that Aiba and Jun both still acted like they usually did, at home and at band practise. They haven’t had any lives recently, but they have hung out together to see their favourite bands play, and for the most part there was none of the awkwardness that Nino was afraid would happen. Now and then Nino would see a sad, faraway look in Aiba’s eyes, but he had a feeling that it didn’t have anything to do with Jun. Aiba only had Sho in his mind. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about Jun, because Nino knew he did - when he wasn’t staring into space, he was always looking at Jun with guilt in his eyes. Aiba, Nino decided, would always be Aiba. He probably felt terrible about not being able to return Jun’s feelings.

Jun, on the other hand, seemed to have changed.

The Jun that Nino knew kept mostly to himself, although he was nothing like Nino. Nino kept to himself because he simply wasn’t interested. He knew that Jun was the opposite; Jun was perhaps _too_ interested in people. He cared too much about the people around him, whether they were close friends or new acquaintances, or even complete strangers. He was always wanting to take care of others around him. Nino supposed that Jun kept to himself as a way of preserving himself in a way - if he wasn’t careful with his dealings with people, he would probably get hurt all the time. _Like he did with Aiba_ , Nino thought. 

After the break-up, Jun seemed to have loosened up, or was less careful with himself, however one might want to look at it. He enjoyed talking to strangers more and more, and even started flirting with every good looking guy and girl he met - which Nino suspected had more to do with trying to ease Aiba’s guilt than actual interest - even if he was never serious about any of them. It was a different kind of avoidance, Nino thought. While Jun used to shy away from strangers because he didn’t want to get too close, now he was befriending everyone but not letting any of them into his heart. _Like an artichoke_ , Nino thought, remembering a phrase he had read in a book. _A leaf for everyone, but a meal for no one._

})i({

__  
Six weeks later  


Nino woke at the loud ringing of the doorbell. Padding through the living room, he felt a stab of annoyance as he passed Aiba’s room. _That guy could sleep through anything._

Glancing at the wall clock, he wondered who would be ringing the doorbell at 2:30 a.m. in the morning. “What?” he snapped, as he opened the door. People who were rude enough to wake others in ungodly hours deserved whatever they got, he thought. He was surprised to be greeted with a (probably unconscious) Jun, who was being held up by a man Nino thought was a little familiar, but couldn’t quite place.

“I believe he belongs to you?” the man asked Nino inquiringly. “I managed to get this address out of him before he passed out.”

Nino sighed. “He lives here, yeah. Come on in,” he said, helping the man bring Jun in. Jun was taller than either of them, but was lighter than Nino thought he would be. But then again, he supposed, Jun had lost some weight lately. They deposited Jun on the sofa, before turning to each other. “Who are you?” Nino asked the man, narrowing his eyes. _Not one of Jun’s fluff-bunnies, I hope_ , he thought, using the term he was starting to associate with the kind of people Jun would usually chat up in bars, because Nino found most of them to be airheads. He had taken Jun out drinking a few times after Jun and Aiba broke up, but he quickly tired of it. 

The other man looked embarrassed as he said, “I’m just a bartender. I doubt he’d remember me when he wakes up. Although, um, Aiba-san...”

“I’m Ninomiya,” Nino interrupted, realising that Jun had probably told the bartender a lot of things that he’d wish he didn’t when he’s sober. “Aiba’s my best friend.”

“Right. Sorry. Ninomiya-san, your friend mentioned that he’s looking for a place to stay. My house mate is going back to his hometown, so I’m actually looking for a new house mate. If he’s interested...”

“I’ll tell him,” Nino said. He reached out to the coffee table, where several papers, a couple of notebooks, guitar picks, and pens were strewn about. Grabbing a blank piece of paper and a pen, he passed them to the other man. “Just leave him your name and contact number, and he’ll call for details later.”

The other man wrote down his details and gave the paper and pen back to Nino, who paused to read it. “Ohno Satoshi,” he read out loud. He frowned, remembering why the guy had seemed familiar to him. “Aren’t you the drummer for the Brass Rats?”

“Ex-drummer,” Ohno corrected. “I left the band a few months ago. Couldn’t stand Yaguchi.”

“I don’t blame you,” Nino said, remembering the egotistical vocalist. One of his acquaintances had dragged him to a Brass Rats show once, and Yaguchi was the only one from the band that Nino had met personally. Maybe if he had met Ohno instead, he would have a better opinion of the band. “So, who are you playing with now?”

“I’m in between bands at the moment.” Ohno shifted a little, and glanced at the clock. He worked two part-time jobs, and was supposed to be at the bakery he worked by 6:20 a.m. He wanted to go home and catch as much sleep as he could before he had to leave for work again.

“Our band is in between drummers,” Nino stated with a wry smile. “Perhaps it’s a good thing that we met.”

Nodding distractedly, Ohno said, “I’m not looking to join a new band so soon, but if you’re fine with a temporary drummer, I can fill in for you.” Usually he’d check out the bands first before agreeing to play for them, but at the moment all he could think of was going home. “I kind of have an early shift tomorrow, so I need to leave.”

“Oh, yeah,” Nino said, remembering the time. “Sorry. I’ll have Jun call you tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't really a new fic, and I forgot that I've been posting here on Ao3 until recently. But since I seem to have new readers, I'll be posting again! :)


	4. Chapter 3

Jun felt like someone was trying to drill a hole into his head, and was succeeding. He wished that he could send something flying towards the direction of the cheerful whistling. “Do you have to be so goddamned _perky_ in the morning?” he said, groaning. 

“G’morning, Jun!” Aiba called out happily. “Or noon, I guess. It’s almost twelve. Guess what, Nino said that he booked us for a live in a couple of weeks. He’ll give us the details later. But it’s been awhile, so isn’t it great?”

“Great.” Jun sat up on the couch, and stretched. _Oh, to have a bed again,_ he thought, wincing a little at the dizziness he felt from the sunlight. _It really is noon, huh. Good thing I’m not working today._

Aiba looked over at Jun from the kitchen doorway with an expression of guilt. “You know, we can switch sometimes. I don’t mind sleeping outside. Or I can sleep in Nino’s room. He won’t mind.”

“It’s okay,” Jun automatically responded. He didn’t want to keep Aiba out of his own room. “Are you supposed to be off today?” he asked.

“I changed shifts with my friend, so I’m leaving in half-an-hour,” Aiba replied. “I’m just having lunch before I leave.” True enough, he had a bowl of - Jun sniffed the air. _Instant ramen?_ \- in his hands.

“Sit properly at the table when you eat,” Jun muttered, standing up. “And eat proper food while you’re at it.” He worried about Aiba and Nino sometimes. Aiba was usually alright, but when left alone with Nino, there was no guarantee that he would keep himself properly fed.

Ignoring Jun’s admonishment, Aiba just said, “Nino left a note for you on the table, by the way.” 

“What does it say?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t read it. He just told me to tell you, when he called earlier today.”

Jun went to the table and picked up the note that Nino had weighed down with a one-coin figurine. He looked at the figure for awhile, trying to guess what manga the character was from, but it was unfamiliar to him. He placed it back down, and looked at the note.

> Jun,  
>  The guy that brought you back last night said that he’s looking for a new housemate, so give him a call if you’re interested. His contact details are on the flip side of this note. He’s also a drummer, so if the live I’m going to check up on, the one two weeks from now, is good, could you ask him if he could fill in for us? Check schedules for practise.  
>            Nino

Jun flipped the paper over, and saw the name and number written on it. He remembered the bartender he had been talking to, a little, but didn’t remember much else. _Might as well give it a try, I guess._

})i({

Ohno glanced at the wall clock again. Only fifteen minutes had passed since the last time he looked. He should quit one of his jobs, he knew, but he couldn’t afford to at the moment. He had told Ninomiya last night that his house mate was moving, but the truth was Gakuto-kun left a few weeks ago, without even paying his share of the previous month’s rent. Ohno didn’t begrudge that, since he knew that Gakuto-kun had family problems to attend to, but it did mean that he had to take on more work to cover the cost of the rent. In the end he had become so busy and tired that he hadn’t had a chance to play music or look for a new house mate.

“Ohno-kun,” the gravelly voice of his boss spoke up. He looked at his boss inquiringly.

“Yes?”

“Your phone’s ringing,” his boss said, looking disapproving. He was supposed to keep his phone on silent while working, but he had forgotten.

“Oh. Sorry, I forgot,” Ohno said quickly, and was about to cut the call when his boss waved a hand at him, indicating that he could take it. “Thank you,” he said, and walked into the staff only area. “This is Ohno.”

“Uh, Ohno-san? This is Matsumoto. Thanks for helping me out yesterday...”

“Don’t worry about it,” Ohno replied. “Um, I’m at work, actually, so I can’t talk long. Are you calling about the room?”

“Yeah. If you don’t mind, would it be alright if I go over to check it out, and talk about this?”

“Sure.” Ohno tried to think of a suitable time. He _really_ didn’t have much time lately. He supposed that Wednesday afternoon would be alright, since he had the day off from his bakery job, but he had planned to use that day to catch up on sleep. “Is Wednesday afternoon okay with you?” he asked. 

Jun confirmed that he was available on that day, and Ohno gave Jun the address.

})i({

By Thursday, Jun announced to Aiba and Nino that he was moving. Nino just made a random remark about how great it was that he could play games all night again without being afraid of waking Jun up, while Aiba remained silent.

Since Aiba had cooked that night, Jun offered to do the dishes. Aiba and Nino took a couple of acoustic guitars out to the balcony and were fooling around, playing loudly while chattering in low voices. Jun smiled as he washed the dishes, listening to the music, as he couldn’t make out what they were saying. 

He was going to miss this, he knew. Not just being with Aiba, but both of them. Somewhere along the lines, both Aiba and Nino had become important to Jun.

})i({

“Are you sure you don’t want to get back together with him?” Nino asked.

“I don’t know,” Aiba said. “Although, if you like him so much, why don’t _you_ date him?”

“Sorry. I’m trying to push you or anything.”

“But you _are_.”

“I’m just tired of seeing you mope around all the time! You’re sad that he’s leaving, aren’t you?”

“Yes, but -”

“You’re comfortable with Jun. I can see that you are. It’s not like with - it’s not like before, when even when things were good, you seem anxious about everything. Doesn’t that mean something?”

“I’m comfortable with you, too, Nino,” Aiba remarked wryly. “I’m comfortable with a lot of people. And I like Jun. You know I do. Of course I’d be comfortable with him.”

“Then, what’s the problem?”

Aiba stopped playing, and put his guitar aside. He shrugged. “He’s not Sho.” The words came out bleak, resigned. Aiba knew that Sho would never return, but he couldn’t help how he felt. “I’m not saying that I won’t fall in love again,” he said hastily, when Nino’s face darkened. “I’m just saying that I don’t think it would happen with Jun.”

})i({

Once he had dried the dishes, Jun walked over to the balcony. He was moving out soon, and he wanted to spend as much time with Aiba and Nino as possible before then. He stopped before he reached them, though, when he heard the serious tone of their voices. He didn’t want to interrupt them. Since they couldn’t see him - the curtain over the sliding door had been drawn halfway, obscuring Jun from their sight - he thought he’d just turn back.

He had only taken a couple of steps, when he heard Aiba tell Nino, “I’m not saying I won’t fall in love again. I’m just saying that I don’t think it would happen with Jun.”

Swallowing, Jun walked faster, until he reached the front door. “Guys,” he called out, in as normal a voice as he could manage. “I’m going out for a bit.”

“Yeah, okay,” he heard Nino shout back. “Take care!”

“Eh?” he heard Aiba say. “Aren’t we supposed to -”

Jun didn’t hear the rest of Aiba’s sentence, as he had already closed the door behind him.

})i({

His mind was blank as he moved. Somehow, he had went to the train station without a single thought going through his mind. It was only when he was there, when he realised that his train pass was in his wallet, which he had forgotten to bring. He just stood there, confused. He didn’t want to go back, but he couldn’t go anywhere else, either.

“Matsumoto-kun?” a gentle, familiar voice spoke from behind him. He turned.

“Ohno-san,” he said. When the other man had a slightly dismayed expression on his face, Jun corrected himself. “Ohno-kun.”

“What are you doing here?” Ohno asked.

“I was going...” Jun stopped, as he wasn’t sure where he was going, “ _somewhere_ , but I forgot to bring my train pass. And my wallet.”

“Is it important, that you get to wherever you’re going?”

Jun shook his head. “I just need to get away for awhile. Anywhere is fine.”

“Is that so.” Ohno tilted his head slightly, studying the man before him. “I got off work earlier than usual, today. I’m about to head home, do you want to come with me? I’ll pay for your ticket first.”

“Is that okay?” Jun asked. “Going to your place, wouldn’t that be a bother?”

“You’re going to be living there too, remember?” Ohno asked back, smiling. “Come on, let’s go.”


	5. Chapter 4

_“Nino, I’m going,” Aiba announced as he opened the front door. Choosing his shoes and stepping into them, he waited for Nino’s reply._

_“Where are you meeting him?” Nino asked sleepily. He had just come back from work, and had spent most of the previous night gaming. The lack of sleep was beginning to catch up on him._

_“Somewhere near the Omotesando subway station,” Aiba replied. “Jun said there’s a place that I absolutely_ have _to check out, but I’m not sure what it is, because he wouldn’t tell me anything else.”_

_Nino nodded. “Have fun,” he said, stifling a yawn._

_Aiba just gave him a wan smile, and didn’t acknowledge his words. “Get some rest,” he told Nino, before leaving._

_As Aiba looked out the train window that day, he wondered what he was really doing. He was glad that Jun was patient with him, and he enjoyed going out with Jun, but he knew that the real reason he was going to meet the other man that day was because he was trying as hard as he could to forget Sho. It was difficult, because everything reminded him of Sho. He supposed that it was only natural, since they had been dating for about three years. But still, Aiba felt bad about seeing Jun when he clearly wasn’t over Sho yet. Perhaps he shouldn’t have, but as Nino had told him, he had to try to move on with his life._

})i({

Aiba stared at the door after Jun left. “I wonder what’s up with Jun,” he said. “He said that we could work on the new song together tonight.”

Nino just shook his head. _Does Aiba really believe Jun’s ‘I’m fine with being friends’ facade, or is he in denial?_ he wondered. Either way, he didn’t want to mention it to Aiba, because there was no point in upsetting his friend. “Maybe he forgot,” he said. “Do you remember Kinoshita-kun? We met him at the New Year’s live at Wakasu park.”

“Yeah, I think I remember him,” Aiba said, frowning. “His band is called, um, Spirella or something, right?”

“Spinelli. Anyway, I’m going to see his band play tonight. He said that they got a new guitarist a couple of months ago, so I want to check them out. Plus I haven’t seen them in awhile.”

“I didn’t know you kept in touch with him,” Aiba said.

Shrugging, Nino said, “we just happened to exchange e-mails at the last live. So, do you want to come?”

“Sure,” Aiba said. “It’ll be fun.”

})i({

“You really don’t have to, you know,” Ohno said anxiously, looking at Jun from the kitchen doorway. “After all, I’m the one who invited you to come...”

“I don’t mind,” Jun said, peering into the fridge. “I cook for Aiba and Nino all the time. Plus, we’re going to be house mates, so you don’t have to treat me like a guest.” He didn’t mention that he had just had dinner; he would eat a little, he supposed, to accompany Ohno. It was the least he could do when Ohno had been nice enough to lend him money. 

“Hmm...” was all Ohno said. He walked in and settled on a stool by the island counter, and just watched and listened while Jun cooked, and chattered on. 

Jun told him about random things, like the songs he was working on, his colleagues at work, and his favourite music. He didn’t mention Aiba at all. Ohno wondered about it, since Jun had looked pretty upset when they bumped into each other at the station. He didn’t ask about it, though. He figured that Jun would tell him about it if he wanted to, so instead Ohno just made listening noises while Jun talked. 

“Oh, before I forget,” Jun was saying. “Nino said to ask you if you could play with us next Thursday. We’ll have to get together so that you could learn our songs, and there really isn’t much time. And you probably have work -”

“Thursday, huh,” Ohno interrupted. “I think I can manage it.”

Jun looked at Ohno in surprise. “I thought you’d be busy.”

“I just quit one of my jobs, actually, so I happen to be free in the evenings now. I just paid off the last of my ex-house mate’s rent, and since you’re going to be moving in, I don’t have to worry about money for the time being. So it’s not a problem. I can fill in for you on Thursday, and practise with your band most evenings.”

Jun grinned. It’s funny, Ohno thought distractedly, that Jun would look so giddy over something so small. After all, there were plenty of drummers in the city who could do just as well as Ohno. Before he could say so, Jun said, “that would be really great, Ohno-kun.”

})i({

Spinelli’s live was amazing. Their new guitarist was good, but Aiba knew from the last time they performed at the same live as Spinelli that the one really driving the band was Kinoshita-kun. “He’s _really good_ , isn’t he?” he said to Nino, as the band finished the last song in their set, leaning close so that Nino could hear his words over the crowd screaming for an encore. Nino just nodded and grinned back.

“Yeah, I thought they were great the last time we played together, but they’re even better now. Guess we’ll have to get better, too.”

“First we need a permanent drummer,” Aiba complained.

“Well, Jun said he’ll ask Ohno-kun about filling in for us.”

“Yeah, but isn’t he in other bands right now?” Aiba asked. “I checked. He’s not in any permanent bands, but he’s playing for or filling in for at least three other bands.”

“Well, he _did_ say that he doesn’t want to commit to a band right now,” Nino said. “But if he could fill in for us then I can book us more lives, and that would be good.”

“I guess,” Aiba said reluctantly. “I still think we need a permanent drummer, though.”

They fell silent as the crowd became louder, signalling Kinoshita’s return to the stage. He had brought an acoustic guitar with him, and behind him, the new guitarist stepped up, also with an acoustic guitar.

“Thank you,” Kinoshita said to the crowd. “We didn’t have anything prepared; I apologise for that. But we’ll play one more song for you - it’s not one of our songs, but we’ve been playing it a lot lately. I hope you’ll like our version of it.”

Aiba didn’t recognise it at first. He was used to listening to the song; it was played on the radio almost every morning when he was getting ready for work. But the song he knew was pure pop, and he always hummed along without noticing the words. It was the voice that he was in love with, after all. But Spinelli’s version of it was stripped down, and was slower, and brought out all the feelings hidden in the lyrics. He swallowed, listening to the song. _Can’t I get away from him, ever?_ he wondered. When he felt someone squeezing his hands, he looked down in surprise. He didn’t know when Nino’s hands had reached for his. He looked at his best friend, grateful that Nino was there.

The song was about breaking up, when one haven't stopped loving. About not being sure about anything, other than the fact that the singer had made up their mind. About wishing so badly to hold the other person until they understood. 

As the words sunk in, he felt anger and sadness rushing in. _What’s there to understand?_ he thought. _You just left without explaining anything._ The yearning and regret in the song made him ache, and he entertained briefly the thought that if he had only tried harder to hold on, things might have turned out differently. Nino pulled Aiba closer for comfort, and Aiba leaned against Nino’s shoulder, as his best friend said, “it’s just a song. You don’t know if he even wrote it.”

Aiba knew that Sho wrote his own songs, which set him apart from other idols, but didn’t say anything. _I don’t mean that much to him, for him to write this_ , he told himself, despite the pain the thought caused. _He was happy the last time I saw him. His career is doing well, and he has Michiyo. It’s been about two years now, so it can’t have been about me._

})i({

Much later in the night, Jun called Nino to say that he was staying over at Ohno’s, which Nino thought was just as well, given Aiba’s situation. He sighed as he hung up, wondering how what had seemed like a perfect solution - Jun and Aiba getting together and Aiba getting over Sho, finally - had turned out to be such a messy situation. He glanced at Aiba, who had fallen asleep on the living room couch. The movie they were watching was only halfway through. Nino thought that Aiba would probably be okay, but perhaps asking him to date again wasn’t the best idea. _We’ll need more lives, and get busier,_ Nino decided. _That ought to be a good enough distraction for him._ If Jun wasn’t going to be the one to “fix” Aiba, then it had to be music. Nino didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of that before. It was always about music with Aiba, ever since the first time Nino had convinced him to sneak out to go to a live during junior high.

 _As for Jun, though..._ Nino sighed again, feeling like his friends were going to make him age before his time. _Well, Jun will probably be fine._ Jun probably just needed time, and space, to get over Aiba. But right now, Nino had to admit that it was painful to watch the two tiptoe around each other, when they thought Nino wasn’t looking. They were comfortable enough with each other that Nino knew they would be able to be proper friends again one day, but with Aiba’s guilt and Jun’s unrequited feelings, they had a lot to get over first, before that could happen.


	6. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sho makes an appearance, sort of.

Ohno had expected to dislike Aiba at first, because all he knew of the man was that he was responsible for Jun’s occasional pensiveness. He had been prepared for it, thinking that Aiba must be the kind of person who never gave a thought to how he treated others, and expected the world to cater to his whims. He supposed that it was normal for him to think that, since he had only known that Jun was in love with someone who couldn’t love him back, but wouldn’t let go. And there’s the fact that it seemed to be the prevalent attitude of the kind of company Jun seemed to keep. He thought Aiba was just like them, but he quickly realised that he was wrong.

He had thought Aiba selfish; but he realised that Aiba was anything but. Aiba had accepted the break-up with Jun a little better than Jun did, but it was obvious that he felt bad about it. It was equally obvious that he was still nursing some old wound that Ohno didn’t know anything about. _I guess things are really complicated between them_ , Ohno thought, feeling bad about his earlier reservations about the younger man. 

Because Ohno currently had more time than he was used to having, he had agreed to practise with them every day until the live. Not all of them were always available, since they all had their own jobs, but they had decided that the available Red Shift members would practise with Ohno to help him learn their songs faster. This meant that he was with Jun and Aiba more often than not, but he didn’t mind that either. Instead of being awkward, the two of them seem to be quite friendly with each other. This, too, took Ohno by surprise. From the way Jun was when they were alone, he had thought that Jun would have trouble being just friends with Aiba. _Maybe it wasn’t necessary for me to agree to be a supporting member, after all_. If he was pushed to admit it, Ohno knew that the only reason he agreed to play for Red Shift was because he was a little worried about Jun. From the first moment he had met Jun, he had wondered what kind of friends Aiba and Nino were, to treat him the way they did. Now that he had met them, he realised what Jun had seen in them. 

Ohno found that he liked Aiba and Nino a lot, and he had to concede that he enjoyed playing with them a little more than the other bands he supported. He was impressed with Nino’s songwriting and Aiba’s bass playing on an individual level, but he was especially moved by their music when they were playing together. None of them would probably be considered as “the best” in their field, Ohno thought, but together, there was a sort of chemistry. They just _worked_ ; there was no other explanation he could think of.

“Ohno?”

He looked up to see Jun peering at him curiously. “Hmm?”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Oh, nothing.” He shook his head, as if to clear his thoughts away. “Just that we play well together.”

“We do, don’t we?” Jun sat next to Ohno, a satisfied grin on his face. “I miss this feeling, this _knowing_ that we’re putting on a great performance.”

“Are you not usually satisfied about your shows?”

“It’s not that I wasn’t satisfied before. It’s just... I don’t know. It’s _different_ this time, somehow. Don’t you get that feeling sometimes, like everything is just falling into place, and you get caught up with the momentum somehow?”

“Mmm,” Ohno murmured. “I think I know what you mean.”

“So do you think you’re ready for the live tonight?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.” Ohno shrugged. They had done all they could, and the only thing left was to do their best at the live.

“That won’t do, Oh-chan. You need to say more positive stuff, like ‘we’re going to kick ass tonight’ or ‘it’s you guys that’ll have trouble keeping up with me’, or something.”

_As if I’d say something like that_ , Ohno was about to say, when something else occurred to him. Frowning, he asked, “Oh-chan?”

“That came out of nowhere, huh?” His grin turning a little sheepish, Jun said, “it just seems to suit you. I hope you don’t mind if I call you that?”

“I guess not,” Ohno mumbled, feeling suddenly embarrassed. He hadn’t had a nickname since since his school days, and somehow hearing Jun call him that pleased him. 

“Hey, how come you guys got here first?” Aiba’s voice called out complainingly. Both Ohno and Jun turned to see him walk in with Nino. “I left work early, too...”

“You’re the one who wanted to wait for Nino,” Jun reminded Aiba. “Even if you got out of work early, I bet he was still glued to the TV when you got home, right? ‘Just one more level, just one more level...’”

“Ha, ha,” Nino said flatly, unamused. “If you must know, I was writing the music for the lyrics you gave me last time.”

“Eh? But I thought the lyrics were for that other song.”

“It didn’t quite suit, so I wrote new music for it. Here,” Nino rummaged through his bag, found the thick black notebook Aiba had given him during his last birthday, and threw it in Jun’s direction. Jun caught it mid-air and flipped through the first few pages, until he found the one with his new lyrics. He looked through Nino’s notes, sounding them in his head, humming a little. Nino was right. It did suit the song better.

“Thanks,” he said. His voice was a little on the dry side, and he swallowed. “Really, thanks.” He was taken aback by how touched he felt. Even if the new tune suited the lyrics better, the old one would do just fine. The fact that Nino had taken the trouble to do something like this for him made him realise that Nino knew exactly how important it was to him.

Rolling his eyes, Nino said, “next time don’t give me so much trouble.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jun replied, smiling. Aiba just raised an eyebrow, looking back and forth between them.

“Was this the song that you didn’t show me first that last time?” he asked, curious. “Let me see it!”

“Ah, I don’t know if we’re using this song for Red Shift...” Jun said hesitantly. “That’s why I went to Nino instead of showing it to you first.” But Aiba had already grabbed the notebook from his hands, laughing and pulling it away from Jun’s reach when Jun tried to snatch it back. He stepped away to look at the notebook properly.

“‘ _Nakayoshi_ ,’” Aiba read the title out loud. His laughter faded as he read on, and bit his lips as he got to the end. He looked up, and gave Jun a strained smile. “What do you mean, you don’t know if you’re using this for Red Shift? It’s great.”

“I didn’t mean -”

Aiba cut him off. “Use it. I don’t mind. It’s a good song,” he finished, nodding emphatically.

They fell silent after that. Aiba passed the notebook back to Nino. Ohno looked at Nino, and despite the uncomfortable vibe that was going on, they seemed to understand each other. Ohno gave Nino a small nod, and looked at the wall clock. “Come on, we need to go,” he said. “Let’s all do our best at the live today, okay?” He stood up, and tugged at Jun so that the younger man would get up as well. “Make sure that you get the opening to ‘Raspberry’ right this time,” he said, pushing Jun towards the door.

“That’s not fair,” Jun said. “Aiba was the one who messed up the last time.”

“What? No, I wasn’t,” Aiba said defensively.

“You see?” Jun asked Ohno. “He won’t even admit it.”

“That’s because it was your fault, not mine,” Aiba retorted. “Right, Nino?”

Ignoring the two, Nino walked ahead of them, whistling the tune to ‘Raspberry’ to himself, while Aiba hurried to catch up with him. Jun and Ohno lagged on behind them, still discussing about who was to blame for missing their cue in the last rehearsal.

})i({

“Sakurai-san, we’re here,” his assistant’s voice said, waking him up. She frowned, looking at the streets outside. “Are you sure this is the right place?”

Sho peered out, and could barely see the entrance of the live house. “It’s the right place,” he confirmed. “Thanks, An-chan, for the ride.”

“Why don’t you just take the company car?” she asked him, curious.

“That’d be too conspicuous in this area, wouldn’t it?” he replied, smiling. “How do I look?”

She wrinkled her nose, looking at him critically. “Awful,” she said. “No one would believe it’s you even if you introduced yourself. What’s with the color of that hoodie, anyway?”

“Hey, I _like_ this hoodie,” Sho replied, pouting. As he opened the door and stepped out of the car, he said, “can you pick me up here later? I’ll call you.”

“Of course, Sakurai-san,” she replied, stifling a yawn. It wasn’t often that her boss made weird requests, so she didn’t really mind, but she had had a long day and wished that she could go home as soon as possible. She watched as he walked away, a little curious about what Sakurai-san was doing in this area, but told herself it wasn’t her business. As friendly as her boss was when he felt like it, she knew that he hated it when anyone pried into his private life.

})i({

Sho kept his eyes on Aiba throughout the whole live. Something was different this time. Red Shift always put on a good live performance, but this time the energy from the crowd was stronger than before. _They’ve finally found a drummer that fits in perfectly with the band’s pace_ , he thought.

For a moment, his eyes caught Aiba’s, and his heart leapt to his throat. _Did he see me?_ he wondered. _Did he know it was me?_ Not wanting to take the chance, he slipped away, and reached for his phone to call his assistant. 

He was happy, he told himself firmly. Red Shift was doing well, so he was happy.


	7. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it is 5 years later. (Epilogue!) Some Juntoshi.

**EPILOGUE: FIVE YEARS LATER**

_ Ohno _

Ohno deposited a drunk Jun on the couch, too tired to help him to bed. “Oh-chaaaan,” Jun mumbled, as Ohno tried to make him more comfortable. “You’re so pretty.”

“Everyone’s pretty to you when you’re drunk,” Ohno answered him shortly, and under his breath, added, “and you think everyone’s pretty when you’re sober, too.”

“Everyone’s pretty,” Jun agreed. “But you’re the one and only Oh-chan.” He leaned forward, dropped a loud, messy kiss on Ohno’s lips, and fell back onto the couch. Ohno sighed, bit his lips, and spent the rest of the night listening to the beat of his own heart.

He thought about the fact that he had been living with Jun and played for Red Shift for five years, and somehow the thought scared him a little. He had never planned to stay in the band permanently, and he couldn’t even remember any of them ever announcing that he was becoming a permanent member of the band. And yet, he couldn’t deny the fact that he was now utterly committed to Red Shift. He was even leading the band, sort of. Somehow, throughout the years, he played with other bands less and less, and hung out with the rest of Red Shift more. Now they were like family to him, and he couldn’t imagine being with any other band. He wouldn’t say it out loud, but he was glad that Aiba hadn’t chosen to cancel their debut with Voyager. He wanted to be with Red Shift for as long as he could, and he wanted to see them go as far as they possibly could.

And as for Jun... he sighed, and turned to his side, wishing that sleep would come. He had grown attached to Jun, and he didn’t know if it was entirely healthy, the way he was always thinking of the younger man. But Ohno knew that while Jun always looked out for everyone else, he was the one that needed looking after the most. _Like tonight_ , he thought, sighing again. He knew that Jun was over Aiba by now - it had been a long time, after all - but old habits die hard. He knew that there were still times when Jun wondered how things could have turned out. He wished that Jun would stop going after girls (and guys) he would never be serious about, though. _It was like after Aiba, he became too scared to fall in love again, when it was probably what he needed more than anything else._ He felt a dull ache in his chest when he thought of Jun falling in love with someone, but he still wished for it. _I can’t be looking out for him forever, after all._

})i({

_  
Jun  
_

_...but you’re the one and only Oh-chan._

Ohno would never know just how much he meant those words. He realised that he was a mess sometimes, and one that only Ohno would bother to clean up after. He didn’t know what he would do, without the older man. _Pass out in the streets, probably._

He would have to make it up to Ohno tomorrow, Jun thought, a moment of clarity passing through his alcohol-induced glaze. He didn’t know why he did these things sometimes. He knew his behaviour worried Ohno, and annoyed Nino on occasion. He didn’t know what Aiba thought of the person he had become, but he supposed that Aiba would forgive him anything. Not because he was forgiving, although he was, but because he still felt bad about how their relationship ended all those years ago. It was stupid, Jun thought, but it was Aiba through and through. 

It was funny (and not in the good, ha-ha way) that after five years, he finally could put a name to the person who had stood between him and Aiba. Not that the information was of any use. If anything, he was only hurt that Aiba hadn’t told him about Sho. Perhaps that wasn’t exactly true; he knew that Aiba had had his heart broken by someone. But it made him wonder if Aiba really thought of him as a friend, because wouldn’t one tell their friends things like that? Jun didn’t know the answer, and he knew that it would be awhile before he completely got over that shock.

Sho was still in love with Aiba. Jun would have to be blind not to see that. He wasn’t sure if Aiba felt the same, or if he was just remembering too much of the past with Sho’s presence. He could understand that, since seeing the way Sho looked at Aiba made him remember all too clearly the things he used to feel about Aiba. He remembered the promise he had made Aiba once, that he would wait, no matter what and how long. He wondered if Aiba remembered that promise. And he wondered if that promise was one of the reasons he never truly became serious with anyone else after Aiba.

A sliver of guilt crept into him as he thought of the long-forgotten promise, and as he was falling asleep, he wondered if he would remember this the next day. The last thought that came into his mind, before dreams claimed him, was not of Aiba at all.


End file.
